ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..