Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
✌🏽
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Tuesday
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!