every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
bout dat hot dog summer
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The Backseat Boys