DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded