What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
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The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
それは草
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
When you don’t understand how floors work
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.