who did the taste test?
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The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing