I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I’m being attacked 😭
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Doctors texting each other.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.