*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.