Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!