ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.