Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.