wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?