There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
You Might Also Like
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Risking my life for fun.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
an airline just for babies.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.