Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.