I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
You Might Also Like
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice