My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him