Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
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First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Blew out my flip flop…
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing