Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”