Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Check out the legs on this baby
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Choose your fighter
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.