I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.