Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
oh shit
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.