If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.