[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
You Might Also Like
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Writing, She Murdered.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.