If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
A man of commitment.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly