Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
our love story in four pictures
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.