Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.