me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If snakes were wide
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind