At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
me when I see my crush
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.