11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.