“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Holy shit he’s back
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”