Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.