What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I…do not understand how electricity works.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.