CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
You Might Also Like
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.