Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”