Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.