Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Erm I’m gonna say no
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.