*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.