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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.