That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.