5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
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[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
spicy snake
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
What?