7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
You Might Also Like
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.