i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
bout dat hot dog summer
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now