NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
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I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”