Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.