People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?