Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.