Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS