Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
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cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.