It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
My teenage children choosing violence
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).