I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
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Flowers bee like
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The answer is funnier than the question
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.